Imaginatorium

I have been listening to the revised version of Steven Curtis Chapman’s song “Yours” on repeat today. Every single time I heard it, I shed a tear or two… for this man, his family, the state of the world, the pain I feel inside… it reminded me that I need to live- Now. I have no promise of another day. I found out yesterday that I was accepted to work my first Compassion International event… I finally have the opportunity to help children find sponsors- just as I have had the joy of sponsoring my own children. My heart soars at the thought of helping the poor… regardless of my friend’s views on the topic. I am also blessed to be working a job where I can serve those who are broken… and to be celebrating a year with the organization on Oct 1. I can’t believe how incredibly blessed I am.

I’ve gotta be honest… some days I look in the mirror and wonder WHY the God of heaven and earth could love me. Sometimes I find my eyes puffy from relentless tears… or surrounded by black circles because I chose to worry instead of trust. Frequently I find myself fighting Him… wanting MY way, wondering why I’m not good enough, not strong enough, not able to evoke feelings of true joy.

Today was one of those days… I felt in the way, alone, unsure of the future He has for me. I wanted to run from Him to hide my pain… I wanted to be angry with Him. I went to church knowing I needed to be fed by His word. The serman was about prayer, about how He answers prayer (with either a “Yes”, “No”, “Wait”, or “more than you could ever imagine.”) Frequently I find myself in that final category when I surrender everything to Him… but this last week I’ve been struggling a bit with some of His “no” answers. I don’t know He made me to be sensitive, but my heart is still breaking for Heather’s family… for the 9/11 victims, for Steven Curtis and the Chapmans, for Kat and her losses, and for everyone else who has dealt with disappointment in an answer of prayer. He is the one in control, but so often we want that role… we think our way is the best way. The more I learn of the world, the more my heart breaks… and the more confused I become. I know I don’t have control, and that makes me wonder about the worth of a life- if we are truly just dust.

According to God’s word, we are worth more than rubies and precious things… we are His children. When I can grasp that perspective, I feel free and loved. It is when I start examining myself and my faults… my issues… my misteps… it is then when I struggle to trust. Our pastor talked about how Jesus doesn’t hear our words, He hears US- our hearts- and it really struck me. Christ doesn’t expect us to come to Him when we’ve ‘got it all together’- He wants us to come for healing.

I wanted to so badly to wallow in my frustrations and issues today… but He challenged my heart. During my few minutes in the car today, the song “Here I am” by downhere came on- and reminded me that He wants me- not for I want to be, but for who I am.

“When setbacks and failures, and upset plans,
Test my faith and leave me with empty hands,
Are you not the closest when it’s hardest to stand?
I know that you will finish what you began.”
-Downhere, Here I am

My mind has found a new playground. Somehow I missed the memo about Itunes U- a free section where almost any course of thought can be found in podcast form (including music lessons, mathematic lectures, marketing classes! This is amazing!!)

I am currently listening to a podcast entitled “What Makes a Terrorist.” Why, might you ask? Because earlier I read a Time magazine article about Iraqi suicide bombers… and honestly, it shook me to the core.

The podcast is discussing how Poverty and a lack of Education are not necessarily the direct causes of terrorism. I agree. The Time article interviewed a young Iraqi who was a bomber in training. He was from a semi-wealthy family and was very well educated. He had chosen to pursue training because he wanted to kill as many infidels as possible, for the glory of Alla. He had his reasons, his convictions, and he knew his stuff… he felt called to kill Americans.

Not all Muslim people feel this way. Not all Iraqi’s or Pakistani’s believe that Alla wants Americans dead. Those who do believe these things feel that they are honoring their god and their country- protecting their country from Western influence and guaranteeing themselves a place in heaven.

I think this is why Jesus’ words are so real to me… they are so unlike man’s ideas. Instead of saying “Kill your enemies” He says “love”. Instead of saying “you need to do something for me to guarantee a spot in Heaven” He says “I bought your place in eternity… trust in Me.” What man would say such a thing when killing and wiping out towns is a much easier way to get things accomplished? I know the old testiment has a lot of examples of God calling for the destruction of Israel’s enemies… and of war… and of killing those who dishonor Him… but Christ’s blood put an end to that!

I suppose if you don’t have Christ, you don’t have a reason to follow His teachings… in many ways, there are terrorists here in America, in Europe, in China- people who follow a different set of rules.

This war is real… this battle for the hearts the minds of people… it is so difficult to define.

“The promise you made is ready to be fullfilled, for we’re broken and bleeding and needing a savior…”
-Rick Hopkins, Lift up Your eyes

In case anyone has noticed, there have been a few changes to this blog. For one, it is officially upgraded (woohoo!) and will be undergoing a redesign. For two, well- I’m still working on that one.

Construction is a theme that has been on my mind a lot today. My co-workers and I spent most of our day moving computers from one side of town to the new High School on campus. It was the first time I had been inside the spacious two story building. I am amazed at how much of a change it has ungone in the last few weeks- it is almost ready for classes! (keyword: Almost. None of the computers are set up (my job!) and the elevator is not yet operational.)

Our entire campus is abuzz with the sounds of construction. I don’t think any of our buildings have missed out on some form of reconstruction (last week the admin got a new roof- and spent a day without power!) We also have two new homes in the works, while two others are being gutted and redone. It’s really quite exciting.

As I watch the big trucks and the cool asphalt roller thingy doing their jobs, I can’t help but contemplate the construction occuring inside of me. I have so much to learn, so many thoughts that I just can’t reconcile. Lately my heart has felt quite mangled… all I want to do is crawl into my ‘Daddy’s’ arms and cry because I don’t know what else to do. I feel so confused. Part of me wants to run… far far away… even farther to Nashville (my heart cries for Seattle) because I don’t know what else to do.

Regardless of my imperfections, I know that God is not yet done with me. I may look complete from the outside, but God’s still got a few computers and an elevator to install… and only in Eternity will I be truly complete.

I found myself provoking yet another discussion about age today… I don’t mean to, it is just a topic that is forever on my mind. Where do I fit into the broad scheme of life? Am I too young (or too old) to accomplish glorious things in the name of Christ? How do I relate to children, adults, the elderly? Will I ever find my place?

Listening to a radio interview with Steven Curtis Chapman, I couldn’t help but think about how his little girl’s life has impacted the world. It reminds me of the loss some dear friends still deal with… giving up their 3 year old to Jesus just a few years ago. Heather would have been a little older than Maria Sue, and I bet she would have been as vibrant. I prayed for that child since her cancer was diagnosed two years before God called her home… her home-going changed my life forever.

We aren’t promised the days or years we are given. Why does age so much if God transcends time? Sure, it measures relative ’stages’ of life… but nothing is guaranteed to go according to a ‘timeline’. I have many brilliant friends who are finally pursuing their college degree. I have many co-workers who are awaiting their first child or even their first love. I know many elderly people who are young at heart and even some young adults who feel about 50. Age is just a number. As a wise co-worker said today “People are like Peanuts. While your shell may wither, your nut will always stay the same.”

Think about it… and keep your mind out of the gutter.