I’ve gotta be honest… some days I look in the mirror and wonder WHY the God of heaven and earth could love me. Sometimes I find my eyes puffy from relentless tears… or surrounded by black circles because I chose to worry instead of trust. Frequently I find myself fighting Him… wanting MY way, wondering why I’m not good enough, not strong enough, not able to evoke feelings of true joy.

Today was one of those days… I felt in the way, alone, unsure of the future He has for me. I wanted to run from Him to hide my pain… I wanted to be angry with Him. I went to church knowing I needed to be fed by His word. The serman was about prayer, about how He answers prayer (with either a “Yes”, “No”, “Wait”, or “more than you could ever imagine.”) Frequently I find myself in that final category when I surrender everything to Him… but this last week I’ve been struggling a bit with some of His “no” answers. I don’t know He made me to be sensitive, but my heart is still breaking for Heather’s family… for the 9/11 victims, for Steven Curtis and the Chapmans, for Kat and her losses, and for everyone else who has dealt with disappointment in an answer of prayer. He is the one in control, but so often we want that role… we think our way is the best way. The more I learn of the world, the more my heart breaks… and the more confused I become. I know I don’t have control, and that makes me wonder about the worth of a life- if we are truly just dust.

According to God’s word, we are worth more than rubies and precious things… we are His children. When I can grasp that perspective, I feel free and loved. It is when I start examining myself and my faults… my issues… my misteps… it is then when I struggle to trust. Our pastor talked about how Jesus doesn’t hear our words, He hears US- our hearts- and it really struck me. Christ doesn’t expect us to come to Him when we’ve ‘got it all together’- He wants us to come for healing.

I wanted to so badly to wallow in my frustrations and issues today… but He challenged my heart. During my few minutes in the car today, the song “Here I am” by downhere came on- and reminded me that He wants me- not for I want to be, but for who I am.

“When setbacks and failures, and upset plans,
Test my faith and leave me with empty hands,
Are you not the closest when it’s hardest to stand?
I know that you will finish what you began.”
-Downhere, Here I am