Imaginatorium

I have been listening to the revised version of Steven Curtis Chapman’s song “Yours” on repeat today. Every single time I heard it, I shed a tear or two… for this man, his family, the state of the world, the pain I feel inside… it reminded me that I need to live- Now. I have no promise of another day. I found out yesterday that I was accepted to work my first Compassion International event… I finally have the opportunity to help children find sponsors- just as I have had the joy of sponsoring my own children. My heart soars at the thought of helping the poor… regardless of my friend’s views on the topic. I am also blessed to be working a job where I can serve those who are broken… and to be celebrating a year with the organization on Oct 1. I can’t believe how incredibly blessed I am.

There was a bee in my room today. Its buzz startled me from a mid morning nap. I have never been stung, but am afraid to try it… I have too many allergies as it is.

Ms. Bee was frantically trying to get through the blinds. I don’t think she realized the window was closed. I wanted to help, but my fear kept me still… I didn’t want to scare her and risk my own life for one with a two week span.

From the sound of her buzz, she too was scared… she wanted out, but she couldn’t find a way. The light from the outside must have given her a blind hope. Once she got through the blinds, her buzz grew more alarmed. There was no escape! She was trapped between glass and plastic slates, knowing that her demise would be met soon.

I wanted so badly to set her free, to guide her to the outdoors… but my fear held me still. I wanted to convince her that I was safe and wanted the best for her, but there is no reasoning with a frightened bee. Her terrified buzz kept me away.

The buzzing has since stopped. I hope Ms. Bee somehow found her way through a vent or a door- into the familiar sights of nature. I hope she is free to carry out her life purpose until old age brings it to an end. I hope she is back with her sisters… I am afraid to open my blinds and discover her there. I felt quite empathetic towards that little bee.

My mind hasn’t felt this exhausted in a loong time.

I remember Curran best from my early years… his family lived in Seminole FL, not far from my grandparents in Bradenton. His mother was my mom’s best friend from high school and our families were incredibly close. In many ways, his family was our family… Curran and his sister Kelly were like cousins to Ry and I- they were always a part of our lives, even when they moved away.

In his teen years, Curran went through a very rebellious stage… and eventually got into drugs. He was one we prayed for a lot… and he eventually came clean- a prodigal Son.. His death was a surprise to us all- I can’t imagine the pain his parents, sister, and fiance are feeling (his two sons are too young to understand.) He was only 27.

Curran was one of those guys who knew who he was. From a young age, he loved cooking… so he became a chef. His hair always seemed to be dyed a different color and he was known for his mohawks (that’s what I remember most about him.) He was a quiet guy who only spoke when he wanted to; hated to be looked at; had a hard work ethic; loved his family, friends,, model planes, and building things. He was very intelligent and overcame some tough obsticles in his life. He had fun, yet was responsible… he loved his children dearly. He’s a person that few will be able to forget.

It hurts to know he’s gone, that a childhood sibling duo is no longer (it’s hard to imagine Kelly without Curran) but I pray that God lessens the pain of his family and brings them together through this. My mother and I are planning on attending the funeral this Friday. As much as I hate the circumstances, I am thankful for the opportunity to see loved ones from the past.

(more…)

I’ve gotta be honest… some days I look in the mirror and wonder WHY the God of heaven and earth could love me. Sometimes I find my eyes puffy from relentless tears… or surrounded by black circles because I chose to worry instead of trust. Frequently I find myself fighting Him… wanting MY way, wondering why I’m not good enough, not strong enough, not able to evoke feelings of true joy.

Today was one of those days… I felt in the way, alone, unsure of the future He has for me. I wanted to run from Him to hide my pain… I wanted to be angry with Him. I went to church knowing I needed to be fed by His word. The serman was about prayer, about how He answers prayer (with either a “Yes”, “No”, “Wait”, or “more than you could ever imagine.”) Frequently I find myself in that final category when I surrender everything to Him… but this last week I’ve been struggling a bit with some of His “no” answers. I don’t know He made me to be sensitive, but my heart is still breaking for Heather’s family… for the 9/11 victims, for Steven Curtis and the Chapmans, for Kat and her losses, and for everyone else who has dealt with disappointment in an answer of prayer. He is the one in control, but so often we want that role… we think our way is the best way. The more I learn of the world, the more my heart breaks… and the more confused I become. I know I don’t have control, and that makes me wonder about the worth of a life- if we are truly just dust.

According to God’s word, we are worth more than rubies and precious things… we are His children. When I can grasp that perspective, I feel free and loved. It is when I start examining myself and my faults… my issues… my misteps… it is then when I struggle to trust. Our pastor talked about how Jesus doesn’t hear our words, He hears US- our hearts- and it really struck me. Christ doesn’t expect us to come to Him when we’ve ‘got it all together’- He wants us to come for healing.

I wanted to so badly to wallow in my frustrations and issues today… but He challenged my heart. During my few minutes in the car today, the song “Here I am” by downhere came on- and reminded me that He wants me- not for I want to be, but for who I am.

“When setbacks and failures, and upset plans,
Test my faith and leave me with empty hands,
Are you not the closest when it’s hardest to stand?
I know that you will finish what you began.”
-Downhere, Here I am